Hi everyone I have not written for 2 years approximately as I needed to re examine my reason for blogging in the first place. I falsely believed it was to share God’s truth through my writings. However my writings at that time were filled with anger being expressed through prose and out to the world.
Though this certainly helped me to express this anger and connected me to some hurt, I did so under the heading of a private word with God and published publicly! This was not a loving action and had I not had an alternate motive, they would have been kept in my computer and shared with God along with some in-depth self reflection as to why I was so angry.
So now I have deleted all my previous posts and created a page called Blogs reposted, this page contains truths from Mary Magdalene who does share God’s truth with the world. And created this page called Denise’s blog where only my future writings will appear.
My true condition was one of false beliefs, anger and demand which I projected out to the world. This is very unloving.
I have made a small step forward in these areas only recently and have a long way to go but as I am willing to look at myself and reflect on my actions I am making some inroads.
So my true condition is all facade wanting my addictions met and I do not know at this time who I truly am, what I desire or aspire to do with the rest of my life.
There are some things I think I desire but I will not know for sure until I stop my addictions and start to break down my facade.
It was a very difficult thing to look at myself in that moment and see all the blackness and dark emotions inside. A gift of truth was given to me by my brothers and sisters, Jesus and Mary, Eloisa, Pete and Catherine. I raged about this for several weeks, blaming others and justifying, minimising and not wanting to hear the truth about where I was at. It was not till I started to work out why I had arrived at his place, and what I expected from others and compared it to what God expected of others that I started to connect with hurt from my past particularly my child hood that I did not want to let go of. Instead I covered this with mountains of rage and demand to protect this hurt, cradled it so it would never be exposed. But in doing this I stopped that hurt from being felt and healing and kept my castle of pain locked away.
In doing this I also kept God away, my partner away, all others away and damaged my environment. I created a facade superior to others and incredibly I thought I felt inferior.
I lived in a power state of demand and expectation on others as my hurt inside felt so small, invisible and down trodden and controlled and I protected this part of me at all costs. And it has been costly, I haven’t gotten to know my soft side, built compassion, learned to be of service to others or most importantly been able to grow my relationship with God and my partner.
I haven’t learned self responsibility. In my demands I wanted others to save me, serve me do the hard work both physically and emotionally for me and make me feel safe. God’s truth on the matter is no one has to love me, do anything or be anything for me not even God. To have any other ideas of this is my expectation only.
God does not meet demands, expectations and no one can make me feel safe.
God only wants me to love him but he makes no demand of me for this either.
The truth is God loves me no matter what I do, but I cannot feel His Love enter me until I become real and desire His Love. God cannot have a relationship with my facade and all the time I waste in addictions, watching movies, filling my food addictions etc. The wider the gap I place between us.This is where compassion for myself comes in something I have never learned and lived a life of self punishment as I had been taught to do as I grew up.
It has been important to look at my facade and to understand it was created by me to protect myself in my life particularly in my childhood, a survival mechanism. But now it’s time to start breaking it down and reconnect with all my hurts from the past particularly my childhood so I can meet my true self.
I would like to add a link to the divine truth website where you will find hundreds of hours of free material if you would like to investigate further for yourself. There are links on this site to you-tube videos, blog from Mary and heaps of resources that are priceless advise for or journeys toward God.
if link doesn’t work please copy and paste into the browser.