“The world is pretty messed up right now and in order for it to change someone, or some people, will have to show up and disagree with what everyone accepts as normal.”
These words came to me today in a post and every word echoed in my brain, every sentence summed me up to a T.
yes I live in world controlled by fear,
This is a very broad statement and already I am including everyone in this to make it ok for me to share my story,
Why? Because I fear ridicule!
I have spent my life in addiction by doing what others want of me, so I wont be criticized, so I wont have people judge me. So people will think I am a nice person, or by some small chance that someone will love me just a little.
But have I been honest… NO, have I been truthful… No, Humble, no, Moral. no
I have met Jesus, I have met Mary Magdalena and they have taught me about getting to know God.
GOD a word I could not even say 14 years ago, here I was running a spiritual church the “ordained minister” and nearly choking every time I said the word… God… fearful that I would be ridiculed. It’s very easy to say a word when those around you say it too but to go back to work in an environment where “God” was never mentioned…. oh the taboo. That’s a sure sign that I had no faith that God even existed back then.
I have been so scared to say what I am investigating, what I believe, what I feel to be true, that I am so tied up in knots and having my world controlled by anyone who may judge me. I am so bogged down that I have not loved those who really truly love me! You may think I mean family, friends… no this is not the sort of love I mean, much of this is still conditional and I am not accepted by them if I show who I truly am or talk about what I want to believe.
Fear had stopped me, fear of my family judging me, looking at me cross eyed, cutting off my discussion, you see I can only be with family or past friends If I make small talk, agree with them, I cannot have my own voice because my voice has changed, I am different, I want to scream, I want to cut open my facade and scream, here I am ….you have never seen me before! But to do this I know will cause me pain. I have to absorb and build into my soul my trust in God, my faith or my attempts at growing my faith.
I have denied love to those who truly love me, the only true love God, Jesus, Mary, Cornie, my celestial guides I have denied them because I was scared to say their names to those who didn’t know them. Scared to be honest about them to others I know, scared to share the knowledge I was learning from them. Which is fantastic I will add!
Scared you will judge me. I wonder why I can be so scared of those that I don’t even know, and family that I thought I knew so well.
My children I would give my life for them but I am scared they will toss me aside because of what I believe. How can this hurt so much God? Yes Jesus and Mary have both taught that your Divine love is the only healer and love never hurts so this pain I feel God is not love? Error hurts and Divine Love exposes error.Well I am feeling error God because this fear of being “exposed” to my family and associates is hurting big time. But this is ridiculous because inside of me there is a change maybe only a small change but I can feel it.
Many years ago approx 8 yrs. I became aware of a Man who was teaching something different to what I had heard before. I didn’t try to get to know him or even read what he said, I never tried to do anything myself back then, I always went to someone else and asked their opinion. I cast him aside, I said no thanks.
I followed a path, many paths in my life in fact looking and searching for something, there was a hole in me that I couldn’t fill. Some journeys I did with Crystals, reiki, psychic healing, mind body spirit workshops, several trips to Ashrams in India and listening to spiritual mentors and Guru’s. I did tarot readings, made medicine drums, followed the native Indians. followed Indigenous and Polynesian Shaman, did sweat lodges, picked up dead owls and eagles from the side of the road because “they called me” used their feathers in ceremonies, fans, ran meditation classes and healing circles and even started and ran a Spiritual church, just because a Spirit told me too, and the list goes on. Everything I tried just didn’t cut it for me long term, there was this underlying ????? and conclusion…no this isn’t it.
I heard about this man again, several times in fact over the next 2 years, his name kept coming up from different sources I ignored this Law of Attraction. and continued on with my incense, candles and sage, getting into Feng shui, and developed my nice spiritual website full of photos of ventures with drum making workshops, and tribal elders, and Indian Gurus.
Finally on approximately the 4th – 6th time, someone close to me at the time phoned, said they drove 14 hours to listen to a man and they had some videos, I asked who he was and of course my soul bought it to me again. This man was Jesus, Alan John Miller I gave in and said yes bring me the DVD’s I will watch to see what I am avoiding. The dvd was called “secrets of the universe” well I was in tears within the first 30 minutes, little pennies were dropping everywhere and I knew then that this was true, so many questions were answered, I am still listening and learning so much, a lot of the information is still to enter my soul as truth, and a lot has challenged me in many ways. This information is still drawing me and interesting me years down the track when everything else I was drawn to at one stage has fallen away very quickly in comparison.
I cannot confirm that Alan Miller is Jesus or that Mary is Mary Magdalene at this stage as this has not entered my soul, but I can confirm that this journey, meeting them and listening to their teachings about God has been the only thing that has started to fill this hole in me. I have now felt God’s love and it is the most amazing feeling to know that I am loved unconditionally. I can accept the teachings and who they say they are has no bearing on me experimenting with the information and only when my soul condition has improved to a much higher condition of love will I ever know the truth of their identity.
This time I followed something that has bought meaning to me, that I can experiment with, that I have the opportunity to build my faith in God with, and no one is shoving it down my throat. I spent countless dollars on my “spiritual journey’s” and the only one that makes sense and bought me something tangible has been free, and if God loved us all as she does then this would be the cost to ensure every one world wide can access information on how to grow in love and know our Heavenly parent.
Great information and site I love exploring and experimenting with. You will find links on this site to Youtube channels and FAQ youtube channel